I can't seem to get a grip on consistent posts around here. Every time I feel like I am ready to share something I look back and it's been 4 months since the last time I shared.
Oops.
I get in my head. It's almost like a creative rut, a writing rut... just a rut. I have things that I think about sharing often, but then I just minimize those things and think - no one cares, and so I move on and never write a blog post.
And that's how four months go by.
But for those of you that stick around, thank you. Thank you for supporting me for all of these years and being patient with my scattered posts... topics and timeframe.
To be quite frank, I don't even know why I am writing this post. My mind feels jumbled, my heart all over the place... I have just been a bit different.
Between Afghanistan, the hurricane, Covid, feeling grief in waves - sometimes small, sometimes really big (yes - still 2 years later), having twin toddlers, trying to be good at my job, good at being a Mom, wife, friend, daughter... it's a lot to process.
I feel like the world is in shambles and I kind of feel like my heart is too. Is that a part of getting older or does it feel like everything is intensified x100 right now?
I feel like I take a few steps forward and then ten steps back.
Some days I am totally rockin' life... I know my purpose and I am aligned with it, I am being the gentle/encouraging parent that I want to be, checking in on friends and family... doing all the things. And then some days (like this week) I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. That if one more 3-year old lays out on the floor over not liking his OWN decision to pick flavored water over "monkey milk" (kids protein shake) I might lose the ounce of goodness I have left in my heart.
And yes, that is exactly what happened tonight... for 10 minutes.
I know y'all feel me.
Parenting is amazing and beautiful and exciting, but it is equally hard and frustrating and lonely. Please tell me someone else feels this.
On top of that, grief is lonely. And it's hard.... and it is ongoing. It doesn't just end.
I had a dream that related to Jordan earlier this week and I cannot get it off my mind. I want to know why. I want to know and understand it's meaning. I have questions... and I have no answers.
I have been reminded of him so many times in the last week. Today, I listened to a new (to me) album and there wasn't just one, but multiple songs that I could definitely see us listening to and nodding our heads together on. I wanted to send him my playlist... tell him I found it first, so of course I was cooler sibling.
It still hurts and it is still equally as shocking today that it was two years ago when I realized he wasn't coming back. That I will live the rest of my life on earth without ever seeing him again. No hugs, no laughs, no holidays together... none of it.
Honestly, it shocks me to even still say that.
Like how is it possible that your mind protects you from that reality... I don't even know if that makes sense? Maybe if you have grieved a loved one you can understand what I am trying to convey?
Your heart knows they aren't physically here anymore but your mind refuses to process it. It is the most confusing part of grief, in my opinion.
Again, I don't really know why I am sharing or where this is going... I just felt like sharing. I know I am surrounded by friends and family and strangers even who feel what I am feeling, or something similar to it. I know because sometimes those people reach out when I share a blog post letting me know that it resonated with them.
I always appreciate that.
It is encouraging to know you're not alone (even for me), so as much you might think my posts help you, you actually help me.
Sometimes getting the words out of my head makes a world of difference for my heart.
So with that, we can help each other.
Let's continue to grow, pray, love, support and share our hearts together.
I am here for you.
Until next time.
Steph
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